To Do list

... Homework
... Get fit
... Do well in School
... Find a Companion
... Get to lvl 99!
... Become Creator Class on RO

Reading List

... The Metamorphosis
- Franz Kafka(current)
... The Artist's Way
- Julia Cameron
... Last Sam's Cage
- David A.Poulsen (finished)
... The Sight
- David Clement Davies (finished)

Upcoming Events

... Samhain (31/10/05
... Sister's Birthday (22/11/05)
... Trip to Africa (??/??/??)

Links

... My RO Blog
... NarutoFan
... Ragnarok Online
... My Guild
... Character Simulator

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The WeatherPixie

Monday, November 07, 2005

I miss my friends... I can't call them... I don't want to bother them while if they're busy with life. When's good time to call anyone?

Kat posted at 7:53 PM.

5 comments

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Saturday, October 29, 2005

Verbal and written language lies. You can only trust what's in your heart, your instincts and yourself. Everyone else just lies to you for "your protection". Bullshit.

Kat posted at 1:42 AM.

2 comments

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Monday, October 17, 2005

Nightschool. My Solace.

I seem to have a problem. I have missed one and a half weeks of school and now they have removed me from my classes. I have to tell my parents, but I have troubles talking to them. This may push them over the edge. I don't think I have been permanently removed but.. I am so behind in school , I might as well be. I was fine until that English class. I started skipping after the day that Ms. Nesdoly banished me to the back of the class... It made me feel like an outcast. I didn't want to be in that class anymore, I could not go up in front of all those people and present to them. They would be either very bored and uninterested in what I would have to say, or they would be staring at me. Either thought makes me sick to my stomach. I tremble and stutter, sweat and nearly cry when I am in front of an audience or any large amount of people. I'm just not the social type, which explains why I can get so lonely sometimes. Daytime school is frightening, crowded, smothering and depressing. I feel open and vulnerable in a regular school, it causes me to feel very sick at times. I would ome home all the time, deep in depression, constantly on the verge of ending it all. I have found something that I find agreeable though: Night School. There's no crowded halls, crowded buses, classrooms are small, and they don't care why I'm there; they just want to learn. That is what I like; no random chatter, no cliques... we're just there to learn and go home. Oh! The trips home are always wonderful! It is usually very dark outside and the LRT that heads to University always comes first. So, although I am heading to Clairview I take the LRT to University station (It turns around and goes to Clairview afterwards anyways). To reach University, the LRT must go across a bridge that stretches over the North Saskatchewan River. I love crossing this bridge! In the daytime, I get a short glimpse of the river valley in all it's glory, and at night I get to see the city lights! Both are gorgeous views, I recommend them to anyone who needs a moment to get away from life.
I have made another blog to seperate my real life from RO. I call it: In Search of Solace. Enjoy! http://inosolace.blogspot.com/

Kat posted at 2:30 PM.

0 comments

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Sunday, October 16, 2005

It's Aliiiiiive!

There's an invader on my face which has caused my right cheek to completely swell up. It's a zit! A gigantic zit! It appeared over night and grew during the day. I hope it goes away by Monday because looks like someone punched me.
I've been away from school for a week and a half. This absence was caused by numerous things. First it was my out of control period, which caused HORRIBLE pains and serious bleeding. It felt and looked like someone had gutted me with a switchblade. It's expected though; I get my period every 3 - 4 months. I'm sure that's not healthy, I already saw a doctor about it. I'm determined not to take birth control pills until a doctor has done everything humanly possible to make sure nothing goes wrong. I would rather be home sick for a few days than be in a hospital dying from some stupid side effect. Call me paranoid.
Second thing was depression. I don't know where it came from, or what it was about but it was there. I laid in my bed a cried for a reason I can't really remember.
Third thing was just pure paranoia and obsessiveness I guess. I was supposed to go back to school on Wednesday, but I couldn't because Wednesday is right smack in the middle of a week. I can't go on a Wednesday! I don't know what kind of quiz or project will blindside me! No, no, no, I have to go on a Monday! It's fresh after a weekend; which I use to catch up. They can't blame me for whatever I missed the previous week if I start on a Monday.

Kat posted at 3:57 AM.

0 comments

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Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Mhmm! ^_^

Great day. Felt a little alienated in my English class though. I told my teacher I couldn't present in front of the class, that it made me sick. She pointed to a desk alllll the way in the back of the class and told me to do an indivisdual project. The look she gave me was... grim. Oh well, I'm too great of a mood to let that bother me. Night school is... a breeze~~! I've never been in such an easy class. My teacher is a Native American, I love his method of teaching. He gives us packages with premaid notes, we go throught it, highlight the essentials and then get a quiz. I enjoy it so much!
The only bad things is I get home at around 9:50pm! There are so many crazy people out on the streets at night! One man kept whispering "I'll kill you! I'll kill you!" Behind me when I was walking to the Corona LRT station one night... *shivers*

Kat posted at 10:57 PM.

2 comments

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Monday, October 03, 2005

Regarding Advertisments in Comments.

Do not spam in my blog. I will not check out the sites. I will not click your links, give you hits, give you my email, or give you money. I do not pour my heart out in my blog for it to be filled with useless crap. It's not helpful, it's incensitive. Keep your spam out of my haven! Find a more meaningful job.
All your ads will be deleted.

/rant

Kat posted at 12:19 PM.

14 comments

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Monday... Skipped!

Stayed home today, felt like total crap. My stomach was aching, I was aching. The silence at home is nice. There was a toddler in the house all weekend. He was a child of one of my mother's clients. A little African American kid. It looks like he will be a soccer player; he always has a soccer ball in his hand. This weekend was stressful; mom wanted me to watch him. Silly mother. Do I look like I know a damn thing about children. I spend 3 hrs after school washing the daycare's floors and the dishes for $15 a day. That does not make me qualified to care for children. I don't mind the cleaning, it is peaceful and easy. I think a lot and vent a lot while I clean. Think of where I am going to end up, why I am the way I am now. I play blame games and hate games. I worry, I cry, I get angry, I calm down, I come up with a revelation, I forget.
cleaning is stressful.
Why did I skip school today?
I wasn't feeling well...? Today's a Day A. Nothing good happens on a day A; I go to school. That is all. Chem in the morning, then a spare, lunch comes next. After lunch I go to Physics class, then English. Iris isn't with us in the morning anymore. I once asked her why she went earlier than us. "For fun" She said. Fun. We're not fun? I guess not. Krystal and I have been sullen lately. Krystal admitted that she was grumpy, and I do too. Iris has abandoned us to go play with someone more fun. She can't seem to handle our ways, so she adds more friends to fill the gaps. Broken toys have no use; so you can just go out and buy new ones. Ignore them, run away until they fix themselves!~
I like day B. It is the same schedule as day A but, I have a spare with Krystal. We talk about many things: Religion, philosophy, anime, neopets, Ragnarok, ourselves... so many things! It makes me happy. I can go to school for that, I can live for that. Iris said she might hang out with us on day Bs too, making them all the better. We will see tomorrow...
I wish I had someone to talk to. I would talk to my mother, but I don't trust her. I don't like her voice. I don't like her views. I don't trust her because she lies. They're subtle lies, ones that come back later and chew off your face! My father is in Africa. Even if he was here, I would never trust him. He has hurt me too many times to be trusted. My sister cares only about her crushes, I don't want to hear about them again today. Why don't I tell my friends? I can't put anything into words.. verbalizing is so hard. I cry when I try to talk about my feelings...
I don't take anything anyone says seriously anyways. No one has ever told me truths. I can't trust anyone.
So... What do I live for?
Love and Praise... I am searching for them.
I don't get either of those. When I tried... I never go either of those things...
I am looking for those. In grade 10 I had the highest math 10 pure mark in my class! I got 91% on my midterm! I was so happy! I went home and told my mother.
"Ah. Cool."
...
That's all?
I told my friends.
"Ah."
...
I told my dad,
No reply...
I died that day.
I've always wanted to become an engineer or a scientist, biologist or a doctor! But... I don't have any reason to. You... can't not be there for someone.. and then be there for them in the end when they have succeeded. To pop in and out... It doesn't work. It's so... lonely. It's demoralizing. It doesn't work. It's not working for me. I will not succeed alone. I need my father, mother... everyone to come home, tell me they loves me, that they're proud of me, that they believe in me. I need love, I need praise, I need hugs.
But...
No one is here, no one will be here. Why am I still here? Why am I still waiting?

Kat posted at 10:47 AM.

0 comments

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Sunday, October 02, 2005

Confused. More Emo crap. An attempt to map myself.

Confused. About what? I have no clue. Everyday I think about people I care about and everyday I go through the same cycle; Concern->anger->bitterness->possesiveness-> guilt-> sadness. Everyday this cycle goes on inside my mind. I wonder if it will ever stop. My map annoys me, it's scribbled and unclear. Like a young toddler's drawing.
Concern: Concern for their well being, for our time together, for the distance between us. My dad; because he's always away. I never know what he's doing, whether he is safe and happy, or dead. I wonder if he's coming home; if he loves us enough to come home. Why does he have photos of another woman and child in his briefcase? My sister; I wonder if she'll let her boycrazy ways rule her. My mom; I wonder if she'll ever listen to what anyone else has to say. My friends; will they back me up when I do something stupid? Why do I feel replaced? Why didn't they ever call last year? When I was alone, loosing my mind with this stupid cycle. I am worrying about people who aren't worrying about me.
Anger: I hate them all for leaving me alone. I don't have to listen to anyone. They are all my enemies. Fuck you dad! I never needed you anyway! Thanks for nothing! When I grow up, I'll live alone. I won't share, I won't care. Screw you all! You never cared anyways, thanks for nothing! It's all your fault!
Bitterness: I have been abandoned. I don't owe anyone anything, since they have done nothing for me. It's all your fault that I feel this way!
Possessiveness: All that is in my possession is to stay in my possession. If anyone touches it, I will kill them. Stay away from my friends, my family, my pets, my things!! You are not allowed to look at them or touch them! THEY ARE MINE! If I mangled my dad's legs, he would have to stay home. No one would be able to have him then. He would be able to be part of our family again. If I killed his mistress, he would stay home for more than a month at a time. If I got him fired from his job, he would be home.
Guilt: Why did I say those awful things! Look at what I have done! How could I be so ungrateful? Come back to me... I'm lonely. Please don't leave me alone. I am sorry for all I have said. STUPID KAT. Why do you feel sorry for yourself?
selfish, selfish, selfish, SELFISH!!! I am not allowed to fell this way! How could I??
Sadness: I wish I were someone else. I wish I weren't here at all. I wish I could start over. Be someone new. Be someone who is not me. Why is no one here for me? I want a hug... I wish this would stop. I am tired, I am lonely, I am unloved because of who I am. I am selfish, because I am alone. I have no one, where is everyone? No one wants me, no one loves me.
I always go through this same cycle, I push everyone away with this cycle. People say: "what's wrong with you??" All I can choke out is.. "I don't know". This cycle is stupid; but it's all I feel. It's irrational, ridiculous even. I feel guilty for doing it, it's so... emo. No one cares about it. "Boohoo Emo! Go sit in your room and use your razor blades!" razor blades don't help me. I have tried it. It just launches the cycle again.
That is why I sit at a computer, leveling an impossibly hard character, and emoing in my blog. Talking about myself, talking to myself, keeping myself company. Like my bird, spammer, who sits in her cage all day. But even in her insanity and loneliness, she still rejects me for company. Maybe she doesn't know how to accept affection. We are alike, yet she rejects me.
I would be happy if someone thought something was wrong with me. I want to be special, insane, unwell. Special people get attention, sympathy, love, help, moral support. People try to understand special people because they know they are special, that they need attention.
But it's nothing special; it's just loneliness, I am so lonely. I am sad.
I am stupid for thinking these things. There is no truth in my logic.

Kat posted at 8:15 PM.

4 comments

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Me


Name: Kat
Home: Alberta, Canada
About Me: To my knowledge, Harum-scarum means reckless.I play a lvl 97 Alchemist on the iRO chaos server. Currently soul searching, trying to understand who I am. I'm shy, quiet; which tends to leave me feeling lonely. This is my last year of highschool before real life begins... I couldn't be less prepared for it.
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